IN MY MIND, a man is someone you can count on to be there for you,” says Bryan Scott, 38, a married father of two in Milford, Virginia. For years, Scott was an active volunteer. He’d teach at his church, show up for local charities, do yard work for older neighbours, and help friends on nights and weekends. And he did all this even though his workweeks included a daily 170-mile (270km) round-trip commute. Scott liked helping people, although he often felt overextended. Plus, he wanted to set a good example for his kids.
When Covid eliminated his gruelling commute, he expected his schedule to ease up. But Scott watched as more requests quickly consumed his free time. He soon found himself tired all the time, stressed all the time, and having trouble controlling his diabetes. Then it hit him: his reluctance to say no was harming his health. The physical and mental pressures that stem from taking on too many commitments (including those with the most altruistic motivations) can do serious damage when they become chronic. Not only do they leave you feeling ground down, but they can also hasten a stress spiral that, in extreme circumstances, could ultimately lead to burnout – which has real health repercussions.
As Scott’s experience shows, work stress doesn’t always deserve all the blame for leaving you feeling overcommitted and drained. Other life stressors – not having enough time with your kids, your ageing parents, or your partner; trying to figure out how to manage the pit-bull dad who’s all over your kid’s soccer team – can contribute to the journey toward burnout as well.
“We know from research there are spillover effects from one part of life to another,” says Matthew Piszczek, Ph.D., an associate professor of management at Wayne State University in Detroit. This means that you carry the negativity from one domain (such as your home life) with you as you transition into another (such as your work life) – and that can worsen your overall stress load. Even if you don’t reach actual burnout, why would you want to be close? Especially when there are savvy ways to extract yourself from the obligation vortex.
Why saying no is so hard
SO IF WE know that saying yes to optional non work requests when we’re overstretched doesn’t usually end well for us, why isn’t it easier? A big part is that saying no can threaten how you view yourself. “People have a desire to behave in a way that’s consistent with how they identify themselves,” says Piszczek. “So if you consider yourself to be a good parent, a good friend, or a good spouse, you’re going to be inclined to say yes to requests that may be really inconvenient for you.”
There’s also the whole feeling of just wanting to avoid conflict or disappointing someone. People who struggle with saying no typically “worry about hurting the other person’s feelings, harming the relationship, or looking like they’re not a helpful, caring person,” says Vanessa Bohns, Ph.D.,a social psychologist at Cornell University and author of You Have More Influence Than You Think. “However, research finds that these fears tend to be overblown. People don’t judge us as harshly as we think for saying no or sitting something out.”
Finally, you might truly want to do the thing. If the activity relaxes or energizes you, keep it in the mix and try to nix something else. But if you’re already heavily overcommitted—or using the task as an avoidance strategy (maybe mornings at home with your partner are tense)—you may still be better off saying no.
Still can’t decide? Here’s a bit more help.
Where to draw the line
“EVERY YES IS a no to something else,” says Bohns. Figure out if you’re yes-ing the right stuff with these questions.
Is what I’m saying yes to pushing out something that’s more important for me/my family?
Keeping a list or photo of your priorities handy can remind you to pause when someone asks for your time by making the trade-off more explicit, Bohns says.
How much of what I’m doing did I even choose to do, anyway?
Look back at your calendar and see how many of your activities are ones you choose for yourself and how many are requests from others. Many people will find that what their calendar reflects and what is really important to them often do not match. “You will recognise a disconnect when you say, ‘These are my values, but this is how I actually spend my time,” says Vanessa Patrick, Ph.D., author of The Power of Saying No. Aim to bridge the gaps.
Finesse your answer
THINK OF SAYING no less as setting boundaries and more a s creating a personal policy. Boundaries are restrictive and can evoke “the barbed-wire fences that you put up to protect yourself from other people encroaching on you,” says Patrick. Nobody responds well to those. “I prefer personal policies, which are simple rules that shape your actions and decisions in specific situations.” When someone asks you to take on a task, you can ask yourself, “What’s my policy for this?” Policies can apply to times, tasks, or quotas (Sunday is reserved for the kids, I help one friend a month with a weekend chore, etc.) and should be flexible if your bandwidth changes.
Then you actually have to say no, and there are ways to say it that land right. Try saying “I don’t” rather than “I can’t.” “My research shows that you’ll come across as much more determined and convey greater conviction in your stance and be less likely to get pushback,” says Patrick . For example, saying “I don’t take on new projects until I’ve finished the last one” is more persuasive than “I can’t do this because I don’t have the time.” These “empowered refusals,” Patrick explains, can leave askers with more positive feelings since they better convey that you’re not rejecting them – just their request.
Today Scott, is far more judicious about what he says yes to, and his health and family life have both improved. “One parameter I use now is asking myself, ‘In a year, five years, or even ten years from now, will I look back and wish I had helped/committed to/said yes to this?’ ”he says. For him, that largely means reserving time-consuming yeses for his mother, siblings, and closest friend – and making peace with refusing others.
This article originally appeared on Men’s Health US.
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