LASTING LONG ENOUGH in bed can be a big concern when it comes to sexual performance. We all know it’s frustrating when things get hot and heavy, then, right as the hookup is getting really good, your anatomy decides it’s time to be done. Sex can be stressful enough, but add the element of surprise when you finish before you want to, and the situation can quickly become awkward and embarrassing. You might be left feeling like you disappointed your partner, and that you’re “bad” at sex.
Though the scene we described above sounds straight out of a coming-of-age comedy, premature ejaculation doesn’t only plague the young and untrained. It can happen at any age. “Premature ejaculation is a problem that affects almost every man at some point in his life,” says Dr. Thomas J. Walsh, M.D., a urologist at the University of Washington. In fact, most studies suggest it may be the most common male sexual disorder, according to the American Urological Association.
Luckily, PE doesn’t have to be a persistent issue. There are techniques you can use to help you last longer in bed, so both you and your partner feel like your desires have been fulfilled.
That being said, it’s important to note that an orgasm doesn’t inherently mean sex has to be over. You can and should spend time manually and orally stimulating your partner after you climax. (Hopefully, you’ve stimulated your partner before you climaxed, too.) If you wait enough time after ejaculating, your refractory period will eventually be up, and you’ll be able to have penetrative sex again, if that’s what you and your partner want. This time, since you just came, you should be able to last longer than the first time.
What is the average time for ejaculation?
In a 2005 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, researchers had 500 heterosexual couples use stopwatches to measure the time between vaginal penetration and penile ejaculation over four weeks of sex sessions. The overall median time was 5.4 minutes.
Lots of people don’t last as long as that. The 2014 book The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown-Ups reported that nearly half of penis-owners finish within two minutes, according to the New Republic.
You may be diagnosed with PE if you routinely ejaculate within one minute of penetration, no matter how hard you try to delay it.
One of the reasons PE is so maddening is that it can feel like you have no control over it. The harder you try to prevent it, the worse it seems to get. Yes, you may be able to last a few seconds longer in bed by thinking about your fantasy baseball team, but who wants to be thinking about baseball statistics during sex? Are there any substantive solutions?Thankfully, the answer is yes. Despite how hopeless your situation may feel, there are indeed plenty of smart, sensible, and healthy ways to curb, if not cure, your premature ejaculation and last even longer in bed.
Tips to last longer in bed
Looking for some methods that can help lead to longer-lasting sex? We’ve got you covered.
Heed the following tried-and-true tips to help extend your and your partner’s pleasure.
1) Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor Muscles
You’ve likely heard of Kegels or Kegel exercises, where you train your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles of the pelvic floor, through a series of contraction and release exercises. To understand what these muscles feel like when they’re fired up, try cutting off the flow of urine the next time you’re using the bathroom. After you cut it off, let it flow, then cut it off again, then let it flow again.
For help isolating those PC muscles, try standing in front of a mirror and using them to lift your testicles without the help of your hands. Imagine “lifting your nuts to your guts” or “shortening your penis,” Sandra Hilton, PT, DPT, a doctor of physical therapy at Entropy Physiotherapy and Wellness in Chicago, Illinois, previously told Men’s Health.
Once you have a feel for how to expand and contract your PC muscles, tighten and hold for a count of 10, then release. Practice in sets of 10. The beauty of this exercise, which will result in heightened ejaculatory control and help you last longer in bed, is that you can do it practically anywhere.
There’s scientific proof that Kegels can help you make sex last longer. As Men’s Health UK reported: “A 2005 study found that 75 percent of men improved erectile function after doing kegels.” Seeking professional help for your PC muscle strength can get you even better results. A 2014 study found that pelvic floor muscle rehabilitation therapy helped over 80% of patients recover from PE.
2) Limit your thrusting
There are plenty of ways to enjoy intercourse without thrusting like a jackrabbit. You can massage the tip of your penis into your partner’s clitoral hood. You can focus on the nerve endings in your partner’s vaginal entrance or anus instead of seeing how deep you can get. You can press your penis against your partner’s G-spot or P-spot. Sure, throw a little thrusting in there, too, but if you feel like you’re about to reach the point of no return, there are ways to slow things down without sacrificing your partner’s pleasure.
3) Wait longer for intercourse – or don’t do it all
All too often, we think of sex as being penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus. But that’s such a limiting – and frankly, boring – definition of sex. There are plenty of other sexual activities that’ll bring you both pleasure and prolong the overall length of your hookup, including erotic massage, experimenting with kink, or focusing entirely on stimulating your partner (oral sex, anyone?).
Speaking of oral, if your partner has a vagina, this is a great way to increase their likelihood of reaching orgasm. A 2017 study published in the journal Sex and Marital Therapy found that only 18% of vagina owners have the capacity to orgasm from direct penetration; the rest need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
4) Switch things up
Instead of picking one position and pounding away like the aforementioned jackrabbit, try alternating between a few different configurations to last longer during sex. Switching positions provides a little bit of “time off” when your penis is not being stimulated.
You can also try out some more elaborate sex positions that require physical stamina. With these “wilder,” more physically strenuous sex positions, you’ll be more focused on technique and balance so you won’t be able to focus on the physical stimulations as much.
5) Choose sex positions that’ll help you last longer
In a similar vein, you want to skip positions that provide too much stimulation. Positions like doggy style or flatiron, where you can go super-duper deep, are probably good to skip.
Instead, try positions that only allow for shallower penetration, or that don’t allow for much “in and out” movement. The CAT (Coital Alignment Technique) is ideal if you’re looking for something shallow. (Plus, if your partner has a clitoris, it’s great for their pleasure!) Then there’s the Lotus position, which is all about grinding against each other as opposed to hardcore thrusting.
6) Live a healthy lifestyle
“Penile performance is all about lifestyle,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, PhD, who serves on the Men’s Health advisory panel and hosts the Sex and Psychology Podcast. Exercising regularly and can prevent sexual performance difficulties like PE and erectile dysfunction, and you might want to stop smoking, too. Smoking reduces the amount of nitric oxide in the body, which may cause PE.
7) Cut back on the booze
If you think throwing back a few shots will delay your orgasm, think again. While alcohol might help you feel relaxed, it’s known to cause sexual dysfunction – especially in people who abuse it. In a 2007 study of penis-owners with alcohol dependence, 72% reported that had one or more types of sexual dysfunction, with PE being one of the most common issues. If you think you might drink too much, reach out for help from a therapist, a recovery center, or a recovery program. If you know you don’t have a problem with alcohol, you can still enjoy it now and then – just make sure you’re not drinking (or at least not drinking much) at times when you’re anticipating sex.
8) Try edging
Delaying your orgasm while masturbating can be one of the most effective ways to train yourself to last longer during sex. This is also known as edging, and according to Walsh, it’s one of the most common techniques for avoiding premature ejaculation. Basically, you bring yourself right to the edge of orgasm before stopping all sexual or masturbatory activity until you have your excitement under control.
Practicing this technique can help you teach your brain and body to better control your orgasm response and make sex last longer, says sex therapist Emily Morse, Ph.D. Just be sure to use a lot of lotion or lube while you practise edging to avoid chafing, she adds.
9) Try ‘the squeeze’
If you can feel your orgasm coming on, stop and squeeze right below the head of your penis. Apply firm pressure with your thumb and forefinger and focus the pressure on the urethra, or the tube running along the underside of the penis, advises Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex
The squeeze technique can help you last longer in bed by pushing blood out of the penis and momentarily decreasing sexual tension, which represses the ejaculatory response, Kerner says.
“This is another type of biofeedback, similar to edging, Walsh adds.
10) Masturbate beforehand
Masturbating alone prior to a sexual encounter is a free and simple technique to help fight premature ejaculation. “A lot of my patients will masturbate prior to sex,” explains Evan Goldstein, D.O., a proctologist who specialises in men’s sexual health at Bespoke Surgical. “Sometimes ejaculating too quickly is due to the fact that you’re all riled up and haven’t ejaculated recently, which means your prostate is fully engorged.” When it’s been a while since you last ejaculated, the slightest touch, lick, or thrust can set you off (literally).
Goldstein continues, “If you masturbate close to when you know you’re going to have sex, you’re essentially having sex a second time, which means it will take a little longer to climax.” He does, however, caution to practice the appropriate timing in between sessions because the last thing you want is to then not be able to perform at all.
If you notice you’re still having issues with PE even when masturbating beforehand, then you can masturbate repeatedly beforehand to help combat the issue during sex.
11) Wear the right condom
If you struggle with premature ejaculation, condoms can be your best friend when it comes to lasting longer during sex. (Also, you should be using them anyway, bro.) Most major condom manufacturers make extra-thick rubbers that act like a slip-on desensitizer for your member during sex, Morse says, and these can help you avoid premature ejaculation.
12) Talk to your doctor about medication
In Europe, there are many legal drugs that purportedly help you last longer in bed, Walsh says. The problem: The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) hasn’t approved those drugs to treat PE in the U.S. Why? “Even though trials show these drugs genuinely benefitted men with premature ejaculation, the FDA sets a very high bar for drugs used to treat non-life-threatening conditions,” he explains. Fortunately, there are other options.
While Viagra and other phosphodiesterase-5 inhibitors are typically used to treat erectile dysfunction, they may also help delay orgasm. Those drugs have best results when taken in combination with an antidepressant, according to Mayo Clinic. You’ll just want to find out from your doctor how long it’ll take for the medication to kick in, since it varies from drug to drug.
Antidepressants can help delay orgasm when used on their own – Paxil, or paroxetine, has proven to be particularly effective – buy they can cause mood changes or other side effects and shouldn’t be used unless prescribed by a doctor, Walsh says. So at the end of the day, these should be considered a last resort.
Depending on how sexually active you are, you can either take the medication daily or as needed before sex, says Dr. Matthew Lemer, MD., a urologist at Beth Israel Medical Center.
13) Use anaesthetic wipes
In 2017, a small study found that applying wipes covered in a small amount of benzocaine, a mild anesthetic, can help you last longer in bed. The problem? If your partner has a vulva, the wipes could have the unintended effect of numbing them down there, says NYC-based urologist Dr. David Samadi, MD.
If you’re interested in trying out anesthetic wipes, Roman—the online service that sends generic erectile dysfunction medication straight to your door – also offers “Roman Swipes.” The Swipes have a 4% benzocaine solution, which reportedly reduces overstimulation without eliminating sensation altogether.
Additionally, Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, urologist and sexual health expert at Orlando Health, suggests numbing medications – like Promescent – that come in creams and sprays. “Similar to a condom these things can cause you to have less sexual pleasure,” Brahmbhatt explains. “Plus, it can affect the partner’s satisfaction as well. Make sure your partner knows you are using it as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history of allergic reaction or problem with its use.”
14) Try technology that can help you last longer
A new FDA-cleared program called Prolong purportedly helps train you to delay ejaculation by jerking off with a special device. For $269, you get a vibrating masturbation gadget, a guidebook, and some lube.
“…once you have completed the 6 week climax control program, not being able to last long enough should be a thing of the past.,” its website states.
Don’t want to spend $269, but still want to treat your PE? There’s an app for that.
Check out the Premature Ejaculation App – or Pea, for short. Billed as a “virtual sex therapist,” the app guides you through a three-step masturbation training program to help treat your PE, and lets you track your improvement over time.
15) Get support from your partner
You can’t make positive changes to your sex life unless your partner is on board. Even though it can feel embarrassing at first, talking to your partner about your PE might calm your anxieties – and once your partner knows what’s up, the two of you can manage your PE as a team. “Acknowledge the elephant in the room by saying that [PE] is difficult for you to talk about, but that you want to work together to make sex even better for both of you,” Lehmiller says.
Still feeling nervous to share your PE concerns with your partner? Perhaps the promise of hotter sex will help you open up. A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that couples who communicate more about sex tend to have better sex than other couples.
16) Practise mindfulness
“Mindfulness practices can potentially help [PE] by promoting relaxation and tuning you in more to your body’s sensations,” Lehmiller explains. Meditation is probably the most well-known and studied mindfulness practice, but if you can’t handle sitting still, hit up your local yoga studio or start a solo yoga practice at home. A 2020 study found that yoga postures and breathing techniques are effective tools for managing PE.
17) Ask an expert
If you feel like you’ve tried everything to have better, longer sex without success, it may be time to discuss your problem with a doctor, Walsh says. “A lot of the treatments we’ve already discussed – edging and biofeedback – are pretty challenging techniques that a specialist can help you use effectively.”
He recommends asking your doctor for a referral to a urologist, who can either treat you himself or refer you to the right person for your problem.
“[They] will help you approach this practically and pragmatically,” Walsh says. “It’s not about getting in touch with your inner self. It’s about learning the physical or mental mechanisms that can help you avoid premature ejaculation.”
Many cases of PE also don’t need medical intervention at all, and are more caused by performance anxiety. Meeting with a certified sex therapist can help you work through those feelings.
Lifestyle Changes That Can Help You Last Longer in Bed
At the risk of repeating ourselves, don’t ever underestimate the importance of maintaining a healthy lifestyle when it comes to your sexual performance. Your diet, level of physical activity, and substance use habits can all play a role in how long you last in bed. With that in mind, here are some changes worth making:
Quit Smoking
Not only do cigarettes cause blood vessel constriction, reducing blood flow to the penis, but chronic smoking increases inflammation in the body, increasing the risk for atherosclerosis—which further inhibits blood flow, according to Dr. Amy Killen, MD, Medical Advisor to Joi Women’s Wellness. So, if all the other health reasons aren’t motivation enough to quit, consider kicking the habit for the sake of your orgasms.
Drink Only in Moderation
You’re probably aware that alcohol is a depressant – but what you might not realise is how this can sabotage your sexual experiences.
“Alcohol depresses your nervous system, which means signals from the brain to the penis become sluggish,” Killen explains. “The result is erectile dysfunction, less sensitivity, and delayed orgasm.”
Adrienne Ton, CNP, a board-certified family nurse practitioner and Director of Clinical Operations at TBD Health, recommends limiting your consumption to 1-2 drinks per day at most – and giving your body a break from the booze whenever possible.
Pile on the nutrient-rich fruits and veggies
Eating fruits and vegetables high in nitrates – like beets, kale, arugula, carrots, and broccoli – can improve performance in bed because they increase nitric oxide production,” Killen explains Killen. Nitric oxide is the main chemical messenger that tells your blood vessels to dilate, allowing more blood flow to key parts of the body (ahem… like your penis).
“As you get older, the cells that line your blood vessels become less efficient at making nitric oxide, so getting healthy nitrates in your diet becomes even more important,” Killen adds.
Fun fact: Killen says anti-septic mouthwash hinders your body’s ability to convert nitrates from food into nitric oxide by killing healthy bacteria in your mouth. So, you may want to nix that from your dental hygiene routine.
Dr. Laura Purdy, MD, a board-certified family medicine physician, notes that zinc, magnesium, and vitamin B12 also all play key roles in maintaining optimal testosterone levels – and therefore, a strong libido. According to Purdy, these key nutrients can be found in foods like spinach, almonds, oysters, legumes, pumpkin seeds, and dark chocolate.
Aim for 150 Minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week
It’s an established, well-studied fact that a sedentary lifestyle can increase your risk of cardiovascular disease. But did you know that a lack of exercise can also negatively impact your sexual health by taking a toll on your circulation and blood flow?
According to Ton, you can reduce this risk by getting about 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week – whether that entails running, brisk walking, cycling, or weight lifting.
FYI, research has shown that resistance training and interval training, specifically, may also boost testosterone levels.
And if you work at a desk all day, Dr. Desmond Wilson, MD, physician and founder at Silo Health, highly recommends taking a quick break every hour or so to get the blood flowing by stretching or walking around.
Get plenty of omega-3 fatty acids
If only for the sake of your penis, consider adding some salmon, cashews, or chia seeds to your diet. According to Yelena Wheeler, a registered dietitian nutritionist with MIDSS, omega-3 fatty acids—which are found in many nuts, seeds, and fatty fish—can promote blood flow, reduce inflammation, and support cardiovascular health, ultimately benefiting your sexual performance.
“These foods not only provide healthy fats, but also arganine—an amino acid that enhances blood flow and may improve erectile function,” adds Wilson.
Adopt some stress-management techniques
All those long hours at the office and anxiety-inducing deadlines can put a damper on your sex life—not only by limiting the time and energy you have for connecting on a physical level with your partner, but also by spiking your stress levels.
“High stress can lead to an overproduction of cortisol, a hormone that can lower testosterone levels, thereby decreasing sexual desire,” explains Wheeler.
That’s why Ton and Purdy both strongly suggest learning some stress management techniques, whether that means deep breathing exercises, mediation, or talking to a therapist or trusted friends and family.
Get tested – at least annually
We’ll spare you the full lecture, but getting regularly tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and sexually trandmitted infections (STIs) is crucial for protecting both your and your partners’ health.
According to Ton, these screenings are also important because many STIs can spread to the prostate gland, triggering infections that cause blood flow problems, eventually resulting in erectile dysfunction. Not to mention, chronic infections and inflammation can lower testosterone production. Womp womp.
As for how often to get tested, The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention advise having a screening for syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea at least once a year even if you don’t have any symptoms—and every 3 to 6 months if you have multiple partners.
This article originally appeared on Men’s Health UK.
Related:
3 Quick Tips For Beating Premature Ejaculation
What Is Edging, and Does It Actually Make You Last Longer In Bed?
