EVER BEEN ON a date or two with someone, think you had a pretty solid connection, and then a few days later, they’re gone? Congrats – you’ve been ghosted.
You’re not alone, either. Recent research has shown that up to 30 per cent of daters have experienced being ghosted in the last 10 years.
Though it’s being talked about more frequently, the concept is unfortunately nothing new. People have been disappearing on their dates and partners for decades. The only difference now, is that the practice may be a bit more common. The widespread use of dating apps has made plunging into and out of someone’s life easier than ever. With no other ties to someone we meet online, it can be an easier to extricate yourself by simply disappearing instead of a tastefully placed, albeit potentially awkward, ‘I’m just not that into you.’
It’s easier to explain away when you do it than when it’s done to you. The radio silence from someone you were interested in often leaves you sitting there thinking: What the hell just happened?
Read on for what to know about ghosting and what you can do about it – including how to avoid doing it yourself.
What is ghosting?
Ghosting is basically rejection without the closure. This often happens out of nowhere and can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and even paranoid.
“It’s ambiguous, up to interpretation, and can leave the door open for excuses to rekindle the spark down the line,” says Lorrae Bradbury, sex educator and founder of the sex positive site Slutty Girl Problems. “Ultimately, it’s a way to end the connection without having to answer about how you really feel.”
And there are different levels of ghosting. Disappearing after a few low-key conversations, for example, is not the same as ghosting someone you’ve shared a significant connection with. “The more time people have spent with each other—and the more emotionally intimate the connection, the more likely it is that ghosting will be mentally and emotionally harmful to the ghosted person,” adds Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, and author of Date Smart.
So why do people disappear? For all kinds of reasons. For instance, according to a September 2020 survey by the “anti-ghosting” dating app, Elate (which “lets you know when a match moves on and also gives you fewer reasons to ghost others”), 43% of people said they’d ghosted to avoid the awkwardness of saying they weren’t interested, 37% ghosted because the other person said or did something they didn’t like, and 36% ghosted because they were too busy and then it was “too late.”
Is it ever okay to ghost someone?
When it comes to connections beyond dating apps, the reasons can vary even more – but that’s not to say ghosting is okay. “Ghosting is an unhealthy and disrespectful behaviour,” Manly says. “Unless a person presents a threat of some kind, it’s inappropriate not to communicate that you’re not interested in moving forward.”
And although “ghosters” may feel powerful in the moment, ghosting behaviors can be a sign of inner weakness and low self-esteem, Manly explains, noting people “with high self-esteem tend to not engage in behaviours that are disrespectful or hurtful to others.”
How do you know if someone is ghosting you?
If someone seems to be into you, you go on a few dates, have sex a few times, or even date for a little while, it can be hard to accept that they have evaporated into the ether with the Ghosts of Relationships Past.
Maybe they’re just busy, right? Right? Wrong.
“I don’t buy the “too busy” excuse. If someone wants to make time for you, they will find a way to,” Bradbury says. “We are all busy, but when we find someone that lights us up, we can usually shift around responsibilities to make time for them. At the very least, we can see our notifications, and write back.”
If you’re putting yourself out there and someone doesn’t message you back, they probably aren’t worth your time. As Bradbury puts it: “Where are you willing to fall on someone’s priority list?”
So if a person has vanished, and some time has passed, chances are: you’ve got a ghost.
What should you do when someone is ghosting you?
It’s okay to admit you’re shaken up. It sucks that someone you cared about seems to care so little about you that they couldn’t even show you the respect of a simple goodbye or a breakup. It’s also reasonable that you’d feel robbed of closure. But while you may want an explanation, you likely won’t get one. The sooner you accept this, the better.
“Ghosting is usually a clear indication that they are unwilling or unable to give you the closure you’re seeking,” Bradbury says. “Perhaps they don’t know the answers themselves, or can’t communicate their feelings properly. Either way, you’re unlikely to get a straight response.”
Remember that this is a them problem, not a you problem. Under no circumstances are you to send one of those long-ass texts or voicemails asking for a reason. Even if it feels good in the moment, you will almost certainly then regret making yourself look needy and insecure.
“[I]t’s best to chalk it up to incompatibility and know that a better match is out there for you,” Bradbury adds.
How do I avoid ghosting? (In other words, how do I simply say goodbye?)
Look, we know being up-front isn’t always easy. If you no longer like someone, or have other priorities, you may be tempted to ghost so you don’t say something that could hurt their feelings. But remember, ghosting itself can be hurtful to the other person. And there’s no “nice” way to ghost, Manly says.
So what can you do instead? It’s simple: If the person doesn’t present a threat to you, communicate honestly, kindly, clearly, and briefly. There’s no need to drag things out.
“If you’ve gone on only one or two dates with a person, it’s fine to end the connection via text with a simple, ‘Thank you, but I’m shifting directions.’ There doesn’t need to be any follow-up or back and forth,” Manly says, adding that a simple text shows niceness while closing the door.
“If the relationship was more significant, it’s important to have a conversation with the person out of simple respect,” Manly adds. “Generally, it’s ideal to meet in person or have a phone chat; the goal is to let the other person have a sense of closure while also showing self-respect and other-respect.”
The bottom line: Be cool, and say something.
What do I do if a ghost returns?
Also known as a haunting, a ghost sometimes reappears, seemingly out of nowhere.
If a ghost wants to reconnect, it’s up to you how to proceed. Be straightforward about your feelings. If you were hurt, say so. It’s okay, at this point, to ask for an explanation about what happened. You don’t need to pretend everything is OK. Pretending could give a ghost the green light to pull this shady move again down the road.
By the way, if you’re the one who wants to come back – perhaps to reconcile or just to apologise for disappearing (good man) – it’s fine to reach out when you know your intentions.
And while it’s acceptable to allow a ghost back into your life if they offer a reasonable explanation for their disappearance, be cautious, notes Bradbury. Pay attention to their behaviour and the circumstances surrounding their resurrection. Are they bored? Inconsistent? Looking for a sure thing?
“If you’re continually being ghosted and there’s no valid reason to be found, it’s not worth your time,” Bradbury adds. “Let your ghost fade into eternity.”
This article originally appeared on Men’s Health US.
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