I WAS SO glad the Olympics showed up. It gave us a well-needed break from the constant coverage of chaos in the US, the Middle East and Europe.
But now the Games are over, even the upcoming footy finals aren’t enough to keep me from being overwhelmed by the news.
When I consider that we’re still months away from a US election, with our own election right around the corner, I can easily let that feeling of being overwhelmed either shut me down or worse – start to make reactive choices for me.
So, in the interests of being able to cope for the next little while and making sure that I’m not getting played like a useful idiot (a naive or credulous person who can be manipulated or exploited to advance a cause or political agenda, something I have been in the past, much to my regret), I’d like to share a basic plan for keeping your head level and thinking straight when we’re in tumultuous times.
It’s all about control.
Take the US election for example. The saying goes, ‘If the USA sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold’. The US election is really important to us. There’s so much at stake for our country economically, culturally, and from a national security standpoint.
Yet we have absolutely zero impact when it comes to influencing the outcome of that election. Most of America is in the same boat as us. Is it fair that a few hundred thousand people in places like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin get to decide the national security and economic outcomes for the rest of the world for the next four years? No.
Can I do anything about that? No. And this is what I want to talk about.
After I got divorced, I was in complete upheaval, totally stuck in an emotional mire. My ideas of how to handle things weren’t enough, so I needed ideas that weren’t mine to get me moving. I reached out to a mate, the elite-level executive coach Siimon Reynolds. I must have sounded desperate because he swiftly gifted me three incredibly expensive sessions of his time.
Siimon taught me the concept of having an internal locus of control vs an external locus of control (locus is just a fancy word for location). An internal locus of control is the belief that our actions and our choices directly influence what happens. With a strong internal locus of control, we tend to feel more empowered and more responsible for our lives. An external locus of control is when we believe life happens to us and we have absolutely no power over it.
We believe the reason things happen to us is because of external factors like luck, fate, or what other people choose.
When I called Siimon, I was helpless, passive, and truly believed I had zero influence over what was going on. I had a very strong external locus of control. So, how do we change that? How do we take the power back?
Simply put; if we focus on what we can control and accept what we can’t control, we replace fear and powerlessness with stability and resilience. Given the political polarisation we’re experiencing, economic instability, horrible international conflicts, it’s understandable to feel anxious or powerless sometimes.
But those feelings get in the way of you actually enjoying this day today. They get in the way of connecting with people you care about and who care about you. Your kid who’s asking you to look at this cool thing they made with Lego doesn’t care what some politician is saying about nuclear power. Yet because the politician said that, your kid gets the message that they don’t matter to you as much as your phone, where you’re reading that story.
Managing these feelings is about more than you. Here’s a way to figure out what’s in your control. It’s pretty simple, all you need is a piece of paper and a pen.
Draw the outline of a soccer ball that takes up the whole page, and in the middle of that, the outline of tennis ball. Inside the tennis ball (the internal locus of control), write down all the things in your life that you can actually influence. Your personal health, your relationships, your work, your daily routines, and crucially – how you think about things. Because you might not be able to control the outcome of elections or wars or whether that nice lady will text you back; but you can control how you respond to the news, how you engage with people around you, and how you take care of your mental and physical heath.
Then in the soccer ball circle, write out all the things you can’t control. Climate change, power prices, traffic, how the sun is in your eyes when you drive home, who wins the AFL grand final, Ryan Papenhuyzen’s ankle, the tone of voice your partner uses when they remind you to take out the bins – whatever it is, if you can’t actually control it, put it in the big circle.
Then take a long hard look at it. Look for what’s missing. What is your ego insisting is in the outer circle but might have more to do with what you think about or what you make it mean? What choices belong in the inner circle that create things in the outer circle? (For example, choosing to stay in a relationship or a job, or choosing to not go and see a psychologist.)
Once you’ve had a few minutes contemplating your lists just go about your day, while still holding these balls in your mind. (I didn’t want you to forget it, so I deliberately made this whole thing into a dick joke.) Every time you get worked up about stuff in the outer circle get in the habit of reminding yourself that you have zero control over it, but you have 100 per cent control over how you think about it.
This is not to say that we have to accept things that are shitty and just suck it up. Things actually start to feel heaps better when we begin to change the things we can change. To do that – set achievable, measurable, realistic goals for things within your control and then make them scheduled daily habits.
With me, if it doesn’t go in the calendar, it doesn’t happen. So, everything goes in the calendar.
I find it quite motivating to remember that we can’t change the world, but we can change the world around us. By focusing on bringing positive change to our home, our work, and our community, soon we can feel like our whole world has changed – mainly because it has.
Like anything, it’s important to treat the cause once the symptoms are under control. It goes without saying that our simple brains can’t ever beat the algorithm – it will hook us every time.
Constant exposure to negative news can increase anxiety and a sense of helplessness. We can take control by limiting how long we’re exposed to it. Actively manage your media consumption. Set boundaries for how much news you consume and seek out positive or neutral sources of information.
If some of the stuff I’m talking about sounds impossible, a psychologist can offer another perspective or help with navigating rigid thinking. Since I’ve learned how to focus on what I can control, actively reframing my thinking, practicing radical acceptance, and getting into action in a problem-solving direction, things feel heaps better. I also get a lot more done because I’m not wasting time and energy lamenting at the state of the political left or Ryan Papenhuyzen’s tibia.
So, as we bob around on our esky in the stormy seas of the news cycle, if we can remember to hold onto our balls, we can accept we can’t control the weather or the waves, but we can build a sail out of our boardshorts and Kon-Tiki that thing all the way to Tahiti.
Related:
Osher Günsberg on why you need a mental map
Osher Günsberg on why vulnerability and resilience are connected
