I can’t think of a little boy in this country who ever imagined he would grow up to hurt those he cares about most. That’s why targeting these violent behaviours through a men’s health and wellbeing lens presents a vital and largely untapped approach to violence prevention. It’s a message I brought to the NSW Government after the Bondi Junction attack and one I’ll be taking to share at the crisis roundtable being convened this week in Canberra.

This is a missing angle in the conversation, and while some think it’s finding an excuse for men’s behaviour, that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s a solution, and a much needed one. Seeking to further understand the drivers and risk factors of violence and finally start to actively engage men in a way that talks with them as change makers with skin in the game, is a moral imperative if we are to turn the tide.

We need to understand the rates of childhood maltreatment and trauma in boys and men. Those who grow up in domestically violent households are around four times more likely to perpetuate violence than those who don’t. Australian data estimates that over a third of domestic and family violence involved perpetrators drinking alcohol. Men’s suicidality is also a significant risk factor for intimate partner homicide. If you then add the impact of the porn and gambling industries in men’s lives, a stark picture appears.

These are typically not happy men. These are key forces undoing any progress we might be making on gender equality, and they are inextricably tied to men’s health and wellbeing. For years we’ve been overlooking the profound impact of men’s lived experience on violence perpetration, but if we don’t seek to understand what is going on for them, nothing will change.

In my clinical practice, men I talk to often explain that they feel blamed for the actions of others, for things they have never, and would never do. My response to them is that you don’t need to be part of the problem to be an active part of the solution. That’s where we need to get to. It’s an opportunity for growth and self-betterment.  Looking after yourself, checking in on your mates, being active and present in the lives of your children and loved ones – these actions improve health outcomes for men and contribute to women and girls feeling safer.

Instead of fixating on the wall-to-wall coverage of this crisis, we need to listen, amplify the voices of women, and get our arses into gear to realise what we can do in our own lives, to safeguard our own wellbeing and that of those we love most. Healthier men mean a healthier world for all.

There are millions of men and boys who would never consider harming their partner or families. There are incredible fathers, sons and brothers who would do anything to keep them safe and show nothing but care and compassion. They live on every street in every suburb across the country. As the majority, we need to feel part of the solution, we need to feel empowered to pick up the proverbial shovel and start digging.

I’m writing this, to encourage you to gather some courage to have those hard conversations with your mates you’re worried about – especially those who seem to be in freefall, reverting to their vices more than they have in the past. Taking action looks like lifting up your mates struggling to live healthily while being bombarded by social media, gambling ads, and alcohol in their daily lives. Taking action also looks like joining forces with advocates tackling these harmful, billion-dollar industries profiting off our collective misery. Most importantly, taking action means listening to and showing up for those who have experienced trauma or violence, ensuring they are not alone, to feel seen and understood, allowing them to choose healing over hurting.

Rallying for justice, for fairness, for the sake of the people we love, is built into men’s social DNA. But it’s important we realise that in advocating for the safety of the women and girls in our lives, we are actually also rallying for our own wellbeing, our own desire to live out our dreams as boys of being good, honourable, kind men. This is the bedrock of healthy masculinity.

So many guys tell me they feel like they don’t have purpose or meaning in their lives, that everything feels hopeless and they can’t seem to connect with others. Well, here is your opportunity to tap into something bigger than you. Let’s get marching men.

Related:

8 Behaviours That Might Be Precursors To Domestic Violence

Why Control Is A Slippery Slope Into Violence When It Comes To Relationships

The post Dr Zac Seidler on why men have a crucial role to play if we are to effectively tackle domestic violence appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

While the reasons for the resignation among some guys are complex and personal, what I largely see is a feeling of hopelessness and a belief that “there’s no one out there for me”. It’s pretty common to hear women sharing horror stories about dating men; I hope this article can be a starting point for any guys doing it tough on the digital dating scene to know that you’re not suffering alone. The fact dating can suck for men, too, is a shared experience for the vast majority of us.

One thing we know is that excessive screen time can squeeze the joy out of anything and when you talk to young guys today, they make clear they reckon the algorithm is rigged. The truth is, guys do have a much higher rate of rejection in the initial stages of dating (e.g. at the swipe right stage).

Speaking with people who work at dating apps, I’m told men typically swipe right on 1 in 3 women, while women swipe right on 1 in 20 guys. The experience of rejection at over six times the rate of women has a profound and cumulative impact on men’s self-worth, leaving many asking what they’re doing wrong. Unfortunately, there aren’t really any good quality guides for moving through the modern dating world, despite what some snake charmer-esque influencers (insert pick-up-artist conmen) might have you believe on YouTube.

My work with young guys is telling me there are two common reactive responses to the prospect of rejection and I can assure you, neither of them are helping. First off, some guys are trying to take back control to minimise a sense of ‘failure’ or a feeling they are being manipulated by women. They dominate conversation and they get aggressive and angry if they’re ghosted or rejected. It’s a trigger response, because you feel like shit, it hurts to feel invisible or not good enough, so you try to reassert yourself. I get it, but trying to regulate this impulse is key.

The second outcome is guys trying to package themselves as the lead in Mel Gibson’s early aughts romcom What Women Want, curating their profiles to be the ‘right’ kind of guy, while at the same time, losing all sense of their personalities, with an over estimation of their height and obsession with angles that hide what are perfectly normal receding hairlines. This tactic is not going to help differentiate you in a sea of ‘Lads on tour’ highlight reels.

So now, some advice, from a shrink, but most importantly, from a guy who successfully met his life partner on Hinge after spending way too much money on cocktails during shitty dates with people that made him want to hide under a doona for days.

How to change your approach to dating apps

1 Go out and ask your mates or your family to take photos of you that show a real insight into who you are (i.e., maybe lose the shot of you with a big fish). If you don’t offer an unfiltered glimpse into your life, you can’t expect to find real connection.

2 When you push past the online banter and end up F2F, be authentic, joke about what you’re feeling if you’re nervous—vulnerability is hot. The greatest superpower you have is to lean into the weird, awkward reality of dating. And if they throw it back at you and tell you it’s a turn off or let slip that you should ‘man up’, then fuck it, this is not your person.

3 Embrace failure. Turn rejection and what can be painful setbacks into an opportunity for growth and understanding. It’ll make you way more attractive. Remember, you can be the ‘nice guy’ and still have edge.

4 Finally, turn down the intensity. Hold any desired outcome lightly. It might end well, it might not, but often that’s out of your control. It’s exposure therapy 101. So just show up, be present and if that means you’re a sweaty mess, you don’t know what to say next or aren’t sure how to make the first move, just know they’re probably feeling the same way, so… talk about it. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.

Now go on, get out there, ya filthy animals.

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In goal-setting mode? Listen to your inner voice

The biggest dating turn-offs, according to a woman who has been on 1000 dates

The post A psychologist’s guide to beating dating-app fatigue appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

My aim with this monthly column is to breakdown what I’m hearing on the ground from men across the country, to offer you a bite-sized, unfiltered, 21^st century playbook to manhood. I’ll bring my evidence-backed insights with a healthy dose of pragmatism to shine a light on stressors I know are overlooked and misunderstood for men, from body image to relationships and finding a sense of purpose in work to dealing with loneliness.

Something I notice a lot of in the early months of the year is a desire for change. Whether it’s cutting back on drinking, setting hardcore fitness goals or vowing to go back to therapy, the promise of a new year opens the floodgates of opportunity to reshape your life. The motivation for growth and experimentation is invigorating in the wake of all the broken promises of the year gone by. But it’s becoming increasingly clear guys are losing sight of what they really want.

If I surveyed all the men I see and asked what their new year’s resolutions were, I could easily match them up with Instagram trends and self-help book sales. We live in an age of cacophonous opinions. Every man and his dog’s an influencer telling us how to be, what to eat and wear. I’m starting to wonder if we’re losing the ability to tune in to our internal voice telling us who we are and what we want.

Getty Images.

I listened to a great podcast over the summer break about cultivating a sense of taste in the age of algorithm-generated desires. I was in Amsterdam last year with a few days to kill after a conference and I found myself rushing between some of the best art galleries in the world in a hurry to see the hundredth Van Gogh—on the advice of Trip Advisor. After a while I had to ask myself, Do I even want to do this?” 

Spotify does the same thing. It offers me playlists to the point where the app is legitimately determining my taste, largely against my will, and I seem to keep ending up in cafes that all look the same, with a damn good Google rating. I think something’s off when these external inputs become our only access point for decision-making.

In these first weeks and months of the year, we need to take back control by etching out space and silence and practising tuning into our internal voice to determine our goals, values, motivations and taste. It all sounds a little woo woo, but the easiest way to tap into this is to allow yourself to get bored (without any technological distraction) and see where your brain takes you. Don’t fill it with other voices telling you what you should do today, how to make more money or lose weight, but instead tap into your inner guide.

Our sense of self gets muddied when we wrap our thoughts and behaviours around who we think we should be, living according to external expectations, instead of seeking to strengthen those authentic parts of ourselves that have always been there.

So, if you’re going to set goals this year, redesigning your place or planning a holiday, try your best to separate your intuition and desires from the trap of disruptive recommendations that are driving your decisions towards a saturated culture devoid of what makes ‘you’ you.

Related:

Osher Günsberg: How I’m overcoming my phone addiction

The post In goal-setting mode? Listen to your inner voice appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.