GARY LOCKWOOD DOESN’T believe in motivation. He didn’t get the body he has today (lean, gristly, a bit scary) simply by being motivated. He didn’t become the CEO of 24/7 Fitness because he wanted it enough. And he says as much to his clients. ‘It doesn’t matter how much motivation you have,’ he declares, pronouncing the word as if it were a nasty kind of intestinal worm. ‘There is no substitute for just fucking doing it.’

As for willpower – usually defined as the ability to resist short-term rewards in pursuit of longer-term goals – Lockwood is similarly dismissive. ‘You will not get what you want in fitness or life relying on willpower.’ Willpower is fragile. You might win the battle with your will one day, then lose it the next. The key to ‘just fucking doing it’ is what he terms discipline. ‘Discipline kicks your butt out of bed on cold winter mornings and drags you to the gym for an hour of mind-numbing cardio.’

Some people think there’s some magic pill they can take, he says, or some mystical hack to do with carbs. ‘The truth is, you have to be disciplined. The harder it is, the more discipline you need. How much you want it? It’s irrelevant.’

The dopamine trap

In the past 10 or 12 years – the Instagrammian Epoch, if you will – we’ve happily embraced the idea that the people who are rich, thin, toned, successful and happy must have incredible amounts of motivation. They have the power to resist Krispy Kremes, Instagram Reels, Five Guys fries, the Devil himself. By implication, those of us whose lives are a little flabbier, carbier, sloppier, sinnier, must be lacking in these virtues.

But whether or not you buy into Lockwood’s approach – inspired by the neo-Stoic philosopher Joe Rogan, incidentally – it’s hard to disagree with his central thesis: that mere desire to change is in itself insufficient for change. Moreover, he’s far from the only person who has come to view the word ‘willpower’ with suspicion. (Whether ‘discipline’ is really so different is another matter.)

‘Those of us who don’t overeat aren’t white-knuckling it. Our urges simply aren’t that strong’

‘I’m not sure willpower is the best name any more,’ says Pete Williams, a scientist at the Institute for Functional Medicine, who takes a gentler approach with his clients. The main problem for him is that willpower comes with a lot of baggage. It implies a moral failing that only increases the stress and shame associated with being overweight. Which helps no one to actually lose weight.

‘A lot of patients have a very negative relationship with themselves because they believe they don’t have willpower,’ he says. ‘Most patients who come to us generally understand what they need to do to get better.’ The problem is that much of our unhealthier behaviours are driven by the unconscious. ‘They don’t know why they do it. They just can’t help going to the fridge.’

Williams has devoted much of his professional life to understanding why this should be. Some people are irresistibly drawn to high-calorie foods; others can happily sit next to a plate of biscuits and not take a bite. Some skip cheerfully to the gym in the mornings; others find it difficult just to drag themselves out of bed. ‘The question we’ve asked is: is there any genetic basis to that variation?’ says Williams. ‘And the answer to that is yes.’

Williams’ research focuses specifically on dopamine, which plays the central role in our brain’s reward centres. Dopamine acts as both a hormone (it’s a close relative of adrenaline) and a neurotransmitter, which means it sends messages down pathways in our brain that govern different behaviours. One of those pathways, the mesolimbic pathway, has strong associations with reward and anticipation, and thus habit formation, motivation and addiction.

‘What the literature shows us is that if we have a patient that has gene variations around dopamine, they are more likely to show adverse behaviours,’ says Williams. ‘The patients with lower dopamine are always looking for how they can fill that gap, often through harmful behaviours: sex, drugs, rock ’n’ roll, binge-eating, shopping, gambling. They’re always seeking the daily reward because they never quite get enough dopamine.’ He’s found that this is a common trait in business executives who never feel satisfied with their achievements, no matter what they do. ‘It’s not that they haven’t got any willpower.’

Another key insight is that the higher your levels of stress, the lower the availability of dopamine and the higher the likelihood that an individual will fall back on compulsive activity: doomscrolling, shopping, vaping, drinking, binge-eating. ‘Everything falls apart when you have an individual who is under a higher-than-normal stress load for longer than expected, and without the resources to be able to deal with it.’

That’s rather a bleak message, I say. We’re prisoners of our genes and our circumstances? But Williams insists that the opposite is true. ‘We’ve had plenty of clinically obese patients who have very negative self-esteem not only about the way they look, but around the fact that they don’t have any willpower. And it’s been completely enlightening for them when we say, “Look, this is a part of you that is unconsciously controlled.” They learn that there are forces that are genetically led that are driving [them] to make those decisions. We get positive outcomes very quickly by changing the narrative for that patient.’

Stop signals

Given our society’s conflicting notions of want and reward – the Christian importance of resisting temptation overlaid the capitalist importance of advertising – it’s not entirely surprising that we’ve made such a false god of willpower. In his 2012 book on the subject, American social psychologist Roy Baumeister termed it as ‘the greatest human strength’, defining willpower as ‘the energy that people use for self-control and making decisions’.

The most famous test of willpower – perhaps the most famous psychological experiment of all time – is ‘the marshmallow test’, devised by Walter Mischel at Stanford University to measure the self-control of five-year-olds. It’s fun to try it on any small children in your own life. Place a pile of marshmallows in front of them and tell them that they’re allowed to eat one marshmallow now – but if they wait 15 minutes, they’re allowed two. In the decades following the study, Mischel discovered that the children who held out for double marshmallows were more academically successful, richer and less likely to take drugs or commit crimes. The experiment reinforced the idea that success depends on mastering self-control. Baumeister positioned willpower as a ‘superpower’ that withers and weakens when you fail to use it, like a muscle, and depletes when you’re tired or hungry or stressed.

Recently, however, this thesis has taken a bit of a kicking. ‘Willpower is overrated’ was the conclusion of a 2021 study, which found that willpower is not only ‘fragile and not to be relied on’, but also that the most successful people rely less on their willpower than others.

Moreover, the marshmallow test has proved stubbornly hard to replicate in subsequent experiments. Self-control is dependent on a whole range of deep factors (social status, upbringing, income, etc) as well as more acute pressures of stress, exhaustion and hunger – to say nothing of genetic variations. Children from rich families are better marshmallow-resisters than kids from poorer families. But that’s not a lack of self-control. It makes sense to eat now if you don’t know where your next meal is coming from. It’s also sensible to be suspicious of men in lab coats promising marshmallows.

‘Some people do find it more difficult to say no to food. But you don’t find it more difficult because of some internal moral failing or lack of will’

Then there’s the view that we’re less in control of our own destinies than most of us imagine. ‘We tend to place far too much emphasis on our own executive capacity to direct our own actions,’ says Giles Yeo, professor of genetics at Cambridge University. In reality, we’re all largely at the mercy of our genes and environment. ‘Some people do find it more difficult to say no to food. But you don’t find it more difficult because of some internal moral failing or lack of will. You find it difficult because of underlying causes in the biological system.’

When it comes to overeating, it helps to understand how appetite works. Dr Yeo conceptualises appetite as a triangle. There are three sides to it: hunger, fullness and reward, all governed by different parts of the brain. If you’re full, you cease to be hungry – at least until someone offers you an extremely rewarding item of food, such as chocolate or cheese. If you’re extremely hungry, the most basic item of food will taste delicious to you. If you pull on one corner, you change the overall shape of the triangle.

Dr Yeo stresses that this happens in the brain, not the belly. ‘All of the 1,000-plus genes that we have identified that influence your body weight act within the brain, and all of them act on the appetite triangle,’ he says. ‘Some of the genes make you feel hungrier. Other genes make you feel less full for the same amount of food. Other genes tackle the reward element, which means you either need more or less food or different types of food to give you that same rewarding feeling.’ Each of us will experience hunger and fullness differently.

This is where Ozempic, Wegovy and the new class of obesity drugs known as semaglutides come in. ‘They’re not really weight-loss drugs at all,’ wrote Albert Fox Cain in an article for Business Insider. ‘They’re something far more powerful and surreal: injectable willpower.’ What semaglutides actually do, explains Dr Yeo, is ‘smack the fullness side of the appetite triangle really hard’. Generally, those of us who don’t habitually overeat aren’t spending our lives white-knuckling it – our urges simply aren’t that strong.

Still, semaglutides remain rather blunt instruments – and their effects on our reward pathways are still not fully understood. Moreover, our genes are only part of the story. Humans have always had this spectrum of genetic dispositions… but we haven’t always been obese. ‘What has changed is the environment,’ says Dr Yeo. ‘I’m a geneticist, but I end up talking about the environment all the time because your genes interact with the environment. The environment has revealed our genetic susceptibility to obesity.’

Matter over mind

In his recent bestseller, Ultra-Processed People, the doctor, author and presenter Chris van Tulleken argues forcefully it’s a change in the food environment – namely the invention and mass-marketing of cheap, addictive, ultra-processed foods – that’s really what’s behind the rise of obesity over the past 50 years, not some mass societal collapse of self-control.

‘Whenever anyone tries to study “willpower” it turns out to be very hard to nail down,’ Dr van Tulleken explains. ‘I would define it as a collision between motivation and opportunity, in other words nearly purely about your environment and nothing to do with your character.’

For most people, the availability of foods that support healthy weight loss is low. ‘They can’t afford it and it’s not marketed to them,’ he says. ‘So even when motivation is extremely high, weight loss is nearly impossible for the most affected people. “Low willpower” turns out to be a proxy for “poverty”.’ Fast food outlets and billboard ads tend to proliferate in poorer areas. Some poor people will have the genetic advantages to survive this. Many will not.

Of course, it’s not just food companies that are jangling our reward centres at every available opportunity. I first started hearing the term ‘dopamine’ in the tech world circa 2015. In her recent book, Dopamine Nation, Anna Lembke, a leading addiction expert based at Stanford University compared the smartphone to a ‘hypodermic needle’ and argued internet pornography, gambling sites, TikTok, clickbait, the lot of it, is all engineered to create habits and addictions. The critic Ted Gioia recently coined the term ‘dopamine culture’ to decry a wider turn away from enlightenment and entertainment to addiction. Think of the way Netflix is constantly feeding you more shows or Instagram pumps out more Reels. It’s where the money is.

Williams studies dopamine for a living and he’s in no doubt that a great deal of companies are doing this quite deliberately. ‘With most of these problems – gambling, compulsive shopping, drug addiction – the underlying mechanisms and pathways that drive them are very similar, if not the same. I would be very surprised if these companies don’t have good scientists who understand catecholamine pathways, the neurobiology of addiction, and so on.’

‘The more decisions you have to make – the more you rely on your willpower – the more that you’re setting yourself up to fail’

Dr Yeo stresses that the surest way to change behaviour is to change your environment. A large part of that is political: both Dr Yeo and Dr van Tulleken are in favour of much tighter regulations on food companies. However, as Dr Yeo says, ‘The environment you can control tends to be your household.’ If you buy a packet of Cadbury’s Chocolate Fingers you have to make 22 decisions not to eat each one. If you don’t purchase the packet in the first place, that’s one decision. The more decisions you have to make – the more you rely on your so-called willpower – the more that you’re setting yourself up to fail.

This may still leave you with the feeling that change is essentially impossible. Ben Bidwell, a human potential coach with the app Arvra, believes we can change – just as long as you don’t rely on willpower alone. He subscribes to the idea of willpower as a muscle: ‘It gets tired.’

What you can do, however, is to tell a better story about yourself, a more honest story, one that takes account of the person you are but also the person you might become. ‘Look at the kind of person you want to be,’ he says. ‘What kind of behaviours does a healthy man possess? Does he drink alcohol three times a week? Does he walk up the stairs or use the lift? Does he have a cupboard full of sweets? Does he buy fresh natural foods?’

He then attempts to lock-in that fresh identity by means of ‘easy wins’. His advice is to start small. ‘Let’s say your intention is to read 20 pages a day and you’re not doing it. Just set the intention to read one page a day. You will definitely do that. And once you’ve done one, it doesn’t seem so hard reading a bit more. It’s the same with the gym. Tell yourself you’re going to do some squats and anything else is a bonus. That’s not so hard. And once you do the squats you’re in a different mindset and the other stuff is way easier.’

He also advises controlling your environment to take account of your weak-willed future self. ‘Leave your gym clothes out when you go to sleep so they’re really easy for you to put on when you wake up. Have your protein shake in the fridge ready-made. Remove as many of the obstacles to getting to the gym as you can. Otherwise, you’re just relying on willpower and it’s going to run out.’

Bidwell’s gently-gently approach – influenced by the doctrine of James Clear, author of the bestseller Atomic Habits – at first seems opposed to the Just Fucking Do It attitude expounded by Gary Lockwood. But he feels that the two approaches are more interlinked than they first appear.

‘We have this old phrase, mind over matter. And for me, it’s really, matter over mind. We’re fighting this battle with our minds. Our minds are constantly saying, “No! No gym!” But place your body in the gym and the mind softens. We do the matter, then the mind is like, “Oh, okay, I did do that. And it was okay.” Eventually, the mind is like, “I can’t tell you not to do this because every time it was okay! Let’s just go do it.”’

If what it takes for one person to lose weight is military discipline and for another it’s gentle hacks, doesn’t that just reflect the spectrum of human variability? That’s certainly Dr Yeo’s conclusion. ‘I think where we’ve broadly gone wrong is to think that there is a one-size-fits-all approach to weight. We need to embrace the point that actually there are going to be some people who respond very well to something like Weight Watchers, there are going to be some people who respond to keto – or whatever. Not everyone will.’ There will be something out there that works for you, he says. ‘And that’s what we need to embrace.’

This article originally appeared on Men’s Health UK.

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The post What if we’re thinking about willpower all wrong? appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

ABOUT ONE IN 10 men experience depression or anxiety. But only about half ever receive treatment, often because men can feel a stigma related to having a mental health condition.

“We’ve all been trained to believe that we have to be strong and that depression is not part of our experience,” says Dan Iosifescu, M.D., a psychiatrist at NYU Langone Health. “That if we had been tough, this is not something we would experience.”

But this is completely untrue, he emphasises. “The fact that someone experiences depression has nothing to do with their psychological strength.”

Men also often experience depression differently from women, says Victor Armstrong, M.S.W., vice president for health equity and engagement at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

While men and women might have similar symptoms, such as fatigue and no longer enjoying their favourite activities, men are usually more likely to display aggression and anger. Armstrong says they’re also more at risk for substance abuse and suicide or suicide attempts.

More than four times more men than women die by suicide every year, according to Mental Health America.

So it’s crucial for men to recognise the symptoms of depression and get the help that they need, Armstrong says.

“We all have mental health just like we have physical health,” he says. “Men shouldn’t ignore their mental health or be scared to seek support for it. It’s important to encourage ourselves and all of the men in our lives to talk about mental health. It’s not weak to speak.”

Common symptoms of depression for men

Everyone experiences depression differently. But some common signs include:

• Irritability and anger
• Impulsiveness
• Restlessness
• Sadness or hopelessness
• Not getting pleasure from activities once enjoyed
• Relationship problems
• Lack of sexual desire
• Fatigue
• Difficulty sleeping
• Becoming withdrawn from others
• Physical symptoms, like headaches, pain, and digestive problems
• Escapism—such as spending extra time at work
• Risky behavior, such as behaving recklessly
• Excess alcohol or drug use
• Difficulty remembering or making decisions
• Changes in appetite
• Lack of energy
• Suicidal thoughts or attempts

Not everyone experiences all of these symptoms. They can also overlap with other mental health conditions, such as bipolar disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder, which is why it’s important to seek treatment, Dr. Iosifescu says.

“The common denominator for both men and women is that when depressed, people have a lower tolerance for additional stress,” he says. “It’s as if your glass – your ability to tolerate stress – is already full. And any additional droplet would make the glass spill over.”

Men are more at risk for suicide, and Armstrong says experts aren’t exactly sure why. It could be that depression often goes unreported by men and then untreated, so they may be less likely to reach out for help when they’re having suicidal thoughts.

Why men are diagnosed at lower rates

Men are diagnosed with depression at half the rate of women, according to the AMA Journal of Ethics. There could be several reasons why.

One is that men and women get socialised into different “gender definition roles,” and men may be more likely to discuss physical symptoms, like fatigue or pain, Dr. Iosifescu says. So the condition might get misdiagnosed.

Men might also internalize and discount their mental pain or symptoms like sadness or irritability, Armstrong says.

“Men still face the social stigma that expressing their emotions is a sign of weakness,” he says. So, they may be less likely to seek treatment for depression.

When (and how) to get help for depression

People with depression know something is wrong and that they’re not themselves. Dr. Iosifescu says it’s crucial not to ignore these feelings and to seek help – especially when symptoms linger longer than a month or so. Also, seek help when depression symptoms are interfering with your daily life.

“Something to look out for when someone may be depressed is changes in their behavior or the presence of entirely new behaviours,” Armstrong says.

This might include an “unrelenting down mood,” feeling worthlessness, irritability, and thoughts of suicide, he says. Also, pay attention to changes in diet, sleep, and energy levels, and whether you’re still interested in activities that bring you joy.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the Lifeline on 13 11 14. Armstrong says the line offers support even if you’re not facing a serious or suicidal crisis.

Seeking out a therapist is an essential first step for treating depression, Dr. Iosifescu says. They’ll discuss your symptoms and why you might be experiencing them, such as if they’re connected to a traumatic event or to another mental health disorder, such as bipolar.

A therapist will also discuss your coping strategies, relationships, life stressors, and life goals, Armstrong says.

“Talking through these things is important because it can help improve symptoms, work through specific problems, build stronger and healthier relationships with others, and help you see your future more clearly,” he explains.

Then, they’ll recommend the best treatment, which may include psychotherapy – such as cognitive behavioural therapy – and it may include medications, .

The bottom line: it’s vital to get help when you’re dealing with depression, Dr. Iosifescu emphasises.

“Don’t ignore it,” he says. “It’s a condition like any other medical condition. Nobody likes being sick or wants to be sick. But once you’re sick, you have to recognize that this is going on and do something about it. It’s just as simple as that.”

This article originally appeared on Men’s Health US.

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The post Therapists explain the surprising depression symptoms for men appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

From morning to night, he would be in the garden, with the distinct sound of crickets in the background, and the occasional crack of a new beer. There he was, in his mid 40s, the most alpha male I have ever known, tending to his flowers.

It never dawned on me that this was strange. After all, society has largely painted gardening and the caring of plants as something you take up in your 50s and 60s – unless, of course, you’re female. My dad was my dad, often full of anger and rage. But on Sundays, and for the better part of the first few days of each week, he was calm –happy even.

A meta-analysis published in Preventive Medicine Reports (2016) reviewed various studies on horticultural activities and mental health. The analysis found gardening is associated with reductions in symptoms of depression and anxiety, as well as increases in life satisfaction, quality of life and sense of community.

It makes sense for a hothead like my old man. Activities that involve repetitive tasks like planting or weeding are said to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. This system is responsible for the body’s “rest and digest” functions, which counteract the “fight or flight” response associated with stress and anxiety.

I can’t say that I was inspired to ever take up gardening – the Australian sun is too hot, and I was too lazy back then. But the older I got, the more the seed my father planted (pun intended) began to grow more, especially as I moved to LA, a place rich in nature and beauty. Then one day I crossed paths with Nelson ZêPequéno, the Ghanaian-born artist, creative director, and designer.

In a world where masculinity is often equated with power, achievement, and a certain hardness, Nelson ZêPequéno has taken a different path. The founder of Black Men Who Garden shares a journey that started as a practical endeavour and evolved into a transformative experience that redefined his understanding of what it means to be a man.

Nelson’s introduction to gardening was somewhat unconventional – he wanted to save money on weed and began by growing his own cannabis, which, ironically, sparked an interest in horticulture and cultivation. But as he delved deeper into the world of plants, he found something far more profound – a connection to life and a new way to view his own masculinity.

“I realised oh, actually, no, my manhood isn’t based around the pursuit of power and aggression. It can actually be based around softness,” Nelson reflects. This shift in perspective was not just about gardening; it was about rejecting the narrow definitions of masculinity that society had imposed on him and many other men, particularly men of colour.

Nelson recalls a pivotal moment in his journey – a realisation of what he calls “plant blindness”, the inability to even visualise or draw plant life. This level of disconnect from nature was a wake-up call, pushing him to seek a deeper connection.

As he began to buy flowers and small houseplants, he noticed his desire to nurture and observe their growth. He found a degree of patience and healing. “Life wasn’t all this other stuff that I was pursuing that just left me empty, broken, alone, and struggling. And I’m like looking at it – literally just like a leaf coming out of the soil. And this reminded me, like, This is what life is.”

This newfound connection to nature and to himself led Nelson to create Black Men With Gardens, a platform designed to provide representation and community for other Black men interested in gardening. Through group activities like hikes and workshops, the platform fosters a sense of belonging and offers a space for men to explore this traditionally age-defined, feminine-coded activity without judgment.

Manoj and Nelson ZêPequéno I Andrew Gura

For Nelson, gardening is not just about plants; it’s about challenging and redefining the cultural frameworks that limit men’s emotional and sensory experiences. It was also a stark reminder to me to reconnect with nature in a way that my father did before me and many of our ancestors did before us. With the continuing rise of technology, increasing rates of mental health decline, and a lack of connection, perhaps a return to nature is what’s needed. At least it has been for me.

Since meeting Nelson, I’ve spent more time sitting under trees, playing around with flower arrangements, and basically, turning into my father. But also, I’ve gradually – because growing is an inherently slow process – become a version of myself that has slowed down, remembered to put down my phone and felt a sense of grounding in challenging times.

Nelson’s journey is a powerful reminder that masculinity can be found in places of softness, care, and connection – not always in the pursuit of achievement or societal approval. Gardening, for him, and me –  and perhaps for you too, can become a tool for personal growth, healing, and redefinition.

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The post Manoj Dias on sowing the seeds of softness appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

But now the Games are over, even the upcoming footy finals aren’t enough to keep me from being overwhelmed by the news.

When I consider that we’re still months away from a US election, with our own election right around the corner, I can easily let that feeling of being overwhelmed either shut me down or worse – start to make reactive choices for me.

So, in the interests of being able to cope for the next little while and making sure that I’m not getting played like a useful idiot (a naive or credulous person who can be manipulated or exploited to advance a cause or political agenda, something I have been in the past, much to my regret), I’d like to share a basic plan for keeping your head level and thinking straight when we’re in tumultuous times.

It’s all about control.

Take the US election for example. The saying goes, ‘If the USA sneezes the rest of the world catches a cold’.  The US election is really important to us. There’s so much at stake for our country economically, culturally, and from a national security standpoint.

Yet we have absolutely zero impact when it comes to influencing the outcome of that election. Most of America is in the same boat as us. Is it fair that a few hundred thousand people in places like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin get to decide the national security and economic outcomes for the rest of the world for the next four years? No.

Can I do anything about that? No. And this is what I want to talk about.

After I got divorced, I was in complete upheaval, totally stuck in an emotional mire. My ideas of how to handle things weren’t enough, so I needed ideas that weren’t mine to get me moving. I reached out to a mate, the elite-level executive coach Siimon Reynolds. I must have sounded desperate because he swiftly gifted me three incredibly expensive sessions of his time.

Siimon taught me the concept of having an internal locus of control vs an external locus of control (locus is just a fancy word for location). An internal locus of control is the belief that our actions and our choices directly influence what happens. With a strong internal locus of control, we tend to feel more empowered and more responsible for our lives. An external locus of control is when we believe life happens to us and we have absolutely no power over it.

We believe the reason things happen to us is because of external factors like luck, fate, or what other people choose.

When I called Siimon, I was helpless, passive, and truly believed I had zero influence over what was going on. I had a very strong external locus of control. So, how do we change that? How do we take the power back?

Simply put; if we focus on what we can control and accept what we can’t control, we replace fear and powerlessness with stability and resilience. Given the political polarisation we’re experiencing, economic instability, horrible international conflicts, it’s understandable to feel anxious or powerless sometimes.

But those feelings get in the way of you actually enjoying this day today. They get in the way of connecting with people you care about and who care about you. Your kid who’s asking you to look at this cool thing they made with Lego doesn’t care what some politician is saying about nuclear power. Yet because the politician said that, your kid gets the message that they don’t matter to you as much as your phone, where you’re reading that story.

Managing these feelings is about more than you.  Here’s a way to figure out what’s in your control. It’s pretty simple, all you need is a piece of paper and a pen.

Draw the outline of a soccer ball that takes up the whole page, and in the middle of that, the outline of tennis ball. Inside the tennis ball (the internal locus of control), write down all the things in your life that you can actually influence. Your personal health, your relationships, your work, your daily routines, and crucially – how you think about things. Because you might not be able to control the outcome of elections or wars or whether that nice lady will text you back; but you can control how you respond to the news, how you engage with people around you, and how you take care of your mental and physical heath.

Then in the soccer ball circle, write out all the things you can’t control. Climate change, power prices, traffic, how the sun is in your eyes when you drive home, who wins the AFL grand final, Ryan Papenhuyzen’s ankle, the tone of voice your partner uses when they remind you to take out the bins – whatever it is, if you can’t actually control it, put it in the big circle.

Then take a long hard look at it. Look for what’s missing. What is your ego insisting is in the outer circle but might have more to do with what you think about or what you make it mean? What choices belong in the inner circle that create things in the outer circle? (For example, choosing to stay in a relationship or a job, or choosing to not go and see a psychologist.)

Once you’ve had a few minutes contemplating your lists just go about your day, while still holding these balls in your mind. (I didn’t want you to forget it, so I deliberately made this whole thing into a dick joke.) Every time you get worked up about stuff in the outer circle get in the habit of reminding yourself that you have zero control over it, but you have 100 per cent control over how you think about it.

This is not to say that we have to accept things that are shitty and just suck it up. Things actually start to feel heaps better when we begin to change the things we can change. To do that – set achievable, measurable, realistic goals for things within your control and then make them scheduled daily habits.

With me, if it doesn’t go in the calendar, it doesn’t happen. So, everything goes in the calendar.

I find it quite motivating to remember that we can’t change the world, but we can change the world around us. By focusing on bringing positive change to our home, our work, and our community, soon we can feel like our whole world has changed – mainly because it has.

Like anything, it’s important to treat the cause once the symptoms are under control. It goes without saying that our simple brains can’t ever beat the algorithm – it will hook us every time.

Constant exposure to negative news can increase anxiety and a sense of helplessness. We can take control by limiting how long we’re exposed to it. Actively manage your media consumption. Set boundaries for how much news you consume and seek out positive or neutral sources of information.

If some of the stuff I’m talking about sounds impossible, a psychologist can offer another perspective or help with navigating rigid thinking. Since I’ve learned how to focus on what I can control, actively reframing my thinking, practicing radical acceptance, and getting into action in a problem-solving direction, things feel heaps better. I also get a lot more done because I’m not wasting time and energy lamenting at the state of the political left or Ryan Papenhuyzen’s tibia.

So, as we bob around on our esky in the stormy seas of the news cycle, if we can remember to hold onto our balls, we can accept we can’t control the weather or the waves, but we can build a sail out of our boardshorts and Kon-Tiki that thing all the way to Tahiti.

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The post Osher Günsberg on coming to grips with what you can actually control in life appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

IN MOVIES AND on TV, sociopaths are commonly depicted as mega-villains who act outrageously cruel and are manipulative. In real life, however, sociopaths may be a little harder to identify.

“Sociopaths in real life often look charming and can be quite liked as a manipulation tactic,” explains Erin Rayburn, L.M.F.T, founder of Evergreen Therapy in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Not all symptoms are obvious, she says. When you meet a true sociopath, you’ll quickly realise that things don’t quite add up. They’ll seem charismatic and charming on one hand, but deep down, they’re actually actually deceptive, exploitative, and aggressive.

That’s why it’s crucial to know the signs of a sociopath. You might encounter these people at work, on dating apps, or within your own family.

“A sociopath is an individual who enjoys taking risks for personal thrill or gain, disregards societal rules or the feelings of other people, and lacks remorse for their harmful actions,” says Vanessa Kennedy, Ph.D., director of psychology at Driftwood Recovery.

They may draw you in, at first, but “they lack genuine loyalty to others due to a deep-seated need for survival often rooted in a traumatic upbringing,” she says.

Although people toss around the term sociopath, individuals who exude these behaviors actually might have antisocial personality disorder, says Pavel Blagov, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Whitman College. Antisocial personality disorder is a mental health condition where someone continuously manipulates, exploits, or violates the rights of others without remorse, according to MedlinePlus.

It’s estimated that up to 3.6 per cent of the population has ASPD, according to the American Psychiatric Association.

“In the scheme of the population, this means it’s likely you have interacted with or been in a relationship with someone with ASPD or ASPD traits at some point in your life,” Rayburn says.

What exactly is a sociopath?

Antisocial personality disorder is sometimes referred to as sociopathy.

To be diagnosed with ASPD, Kennedy says someone must show evidence of a conduct disorder before age 15 and express symptoms like aggression, cruelty to people or animals, lying, property destruction, or violating rules or the law.

Antisocial personality disorder can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional, she says.

No one knows what causes the disorder, but experts theorize that genetics or factors like child abuse may contribute. People that we consider “sociopaths” and are diagnosed with ASPD must have a long-standing history of aggression or rule-breaking, meaning this behaviour doesn’t just come out of nowhere, says Jeffrey Cohen, PsyD, assistant professor of medical psychology at Columbia University.

Still, people can display antisocial – or sociopathic – behaviours without necessarily meeting the criteria of a personality disorder.

“Human beings are complex and can fall somewhere on a spectrum of sociopathic behaviour, at times manipulating others for personal gain, demonstrating aggression, or lying, but perhaps only doing these behaviours in a specific context or certain relationships,” Kennedy explains. For instance, an executive might lie, manipulate, or behave aggressively to land a high-stakes deal, but at home is a loyal, responsible partner and parent.

Signs you’re dealing with a sociopath

People might lie, deceive, or act deceptively, aggressively, or irresponsibly at times, Rayburn says. But to truly be considered ASPD, these behaviours are ongoing, consistent, and damaging enough to have an impact on their lives and those around them. Here are some signs to look for:

Egocentrism

Everyone is a bit egocentric, but people with the disorder take it to another level. “They look out for their own needs first, [and] that would come before the needs of family or children or friends,” says Blagov.

The individuals are selfish and self-serving and use subtle or frank manipulation to get their way, says Alex Dimitriu, M.D., a double-board certified physician in psychiatry and sleep medicine and founder of Menlo Park Psychiatry & Sleep Medicine. “They’re antisocial because they don’t care about society or others, they care about themselves only. While most of us have been selfish at some point in our lives, in antisocial personality disorder, this is the rule, not the exception.”

Callousness

Most people fall along an “anxiety spectrum,” Dr. Dimitriu says, where some care too much and may have anxiety. People with ASPD care too little, but there’s an added element of disregarding the impact of their behaviors on others.

The callousness of this behavior can range from being verbally mean to physically violent, says Blagov. Not all people exhibit callous behavior in the same way, however.

Manipulation

These types often lie and use people –sometimes to get out of trouble, Blagov explains. “This is a self-protective type of lying and manipulation.”

Other times, they manipulate because they enjoy having power over another person, he says.

Lack of empathy

People with ASPD don’t feel empathy for other people, Cohen says. Understandably, this makes it difficult to maintain relationships or friendships so many sociopaths tend to be loners. They tend to view people as objects to be used for personal gain or to be avoided.

As a result, these individuals are prone to social isolation, depression, and health problems, Kennedy says. “They may burn bridges with others and have few avenues for genuine social support.”

Impulsivity

People with antisocial personality disorder tend to take risks without any forethought, Kennedy says, “They may make rash decisions that don’t take consequences into account and struggle with showing up consistently for others.”

The result: they get fired a lot, lack financial stability, and might engage in criminal activity.

People with the disorder are sensation seekers who are prone to boredom, Blagov adds. This may be one reason they’re more likely to participate in dangerous behaviors or to steal.

Fearlessness

Getting caught prevents most people from engaging in criminal activity like shoplifting, but those with antisocial personality disorder have weak fear and anxiety responses, says Blagov. “There isn’t a stopping mechanism.”

Disrespect for others

Another sign of antisocial behavior is a general disrespect for others, including their bodies, feelings, personal boundaries, and belongings, says Meghan Marcum, PsyD, chief psychologist at AMFM Healthcare. These individuals are also aggressive, deceptive, and not willing to accept responsibility for any mistakes, so abusive or bad relationships are common.

Easily angered

Anger and aggression are chief traits – along with hostility or even violence. “They often experience irritability and exhibit aggression or resort to intimidating or bullying behavior when someone sees through their facade,” Kennedy says. They might get angry easily and quickly if too many demands are placed on them in relationships, too.

Lacks remorse

Someone considered a sociopath may act aggressively, disrespectfully, or violently, but have no remorse or take any accountability for their actions. “Typically, a person can reflect on hurting someone they care about, feel guilt and empathy, and take at least some responsibility for their actions,” Kennedy says.

Not so with sociopaths. They’re more likely to show indifference toward someone else’s emotions and even blame them for being too weak or sensitive, she adds, “They may even show a sense of being justified in hurting someone else who they think deserved it.”

Lying

Persistent lying or deceit are classic characteristics of antisocial personality disorder, Kennedy says. Someone may lie to charm, outwit, or manipulate someone for personal gain or just because they enjoy it. They also might display personality traits like arrogance, a sense of superiority, or being opinionated, with the goal of deceiving or manipulating others.

What to do if you know a sociopath

Being in a relationship with someone with ASPD (or working or being friends with them) can catch you off guard, especially with how their behavior can change so drastically, Rayburn says.

“One moment, they may be charming and fun to be with, but then exhibit unpredictable and impulsive behavior, leaving a loved one confused and hurt,” she says.

Plus, it can be difficult to accept that someone is hurting you. And, you might get stuck in a cycle of manipulation, where you think you can “fix” or help them, but the person with sociopathy exploits that help, Rayburn adds.

“It’s important to recognize that when dealing with someone with ASPD, they often know your vulnerabilities and know how to work your vulnerabilities,” she says.

Regularly interacting with someone with ASPD can lead to confusion, depression, anxiety, and a loss of identity and self-esteem. Seeking mental health treatment can help you unpack your relationship dynamics and identify problems, as well as your own beliefs or behaviors that are keeping you in the relationship, Rayburn says.

“Be kind to yourself, take time and space to get back into your center of self, and be willing to examine your own thoughts and feelings around the relationship,” she emphasizes.

Can sociopaths be treated?

ASPD is difficult to diagnose and treat, Dr. Dimitriu says, “In milder cases, optimising mood, anxiety, and impulsivity with medication and therapy can reduce the likelihood of some of these behaviours.” This can also help people develop empathy in some instances.

The problem, though, is that people with the disorder usually don’t recognise their behaviours as problematic, Marcum says, “They tend to externalise and blame their environment (or the circumstances and people around them) for their problems.”

With treatment, they can gain insight and become more self-aware, but they must want to change, she emphasises.

People with antisocial personality traits typically enter treatment for reasons that will give them a direct benefit, Marcum says. For instance, someone who committed a crime may comply with court-ordered treatment simply to reduce their sentence.

“It’s less common for individuals with antisocial features to come to therapy to work on these symptoms,” she says. “Instead, they may come to work on depression or anxiety, and then within the context of the therapy, their antisocial symptoms are identified.”

Treatment is also difficult because people with antisocial behaviors sometimes view themselves as victims who don’t have a choice but to engage in destructive or exploitative behaviors to survive, Kennedy says. “Sometimes, antisocial individuals may become motivated to change their behavior to experience fewer consequences in their lives.”

This article originally appeared on Men’s Health US.

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It’s not always going to be bad, and it’s not always going to be good. And recently, it hasn’t been good. Honestly, it got pretty bad – and I got lost in the wilderness without realising that I had tools to get myself back to mental safety.

You’d think I’d notice it coming with all the familiar warning signs piling up. I was becoming unusually quiet around people and then breaking out in a cracking great cold sore, but I still didn’t notice.

I didn’t want to be unable to cope, so I just kept pushing on, reframing my increasingly uncomfortable reality to fit the narrative that I’m okay despite, in the words of Pulp Fiction’s Marsellus Wallace, being “pretty far from okay”.

One of my favourite books, Deep Survival by Laurence Gonzales, describes something called “bending the map”. It’s a term taken from the world of orienteering, where runners refuse to update their mental map despite overwhelming evidence that they are lost in the woods.

Rather than stop and figure out where they actually are, they stick to their planned course and just keep running, convinced that it’s the surroundings which must be wrong and not them. It’s a kind of unconscious hubris that can be deadly.

Gonzales tells the story of a very experienced hiker who was found barely alive, five kilos lighter than he was three days prior, clinging to a tree and nearly dead from hypothermia because he refused to open his backpack full of survival gear, as admitting he was lost would mean admitting that he needed help.

I’m not awaiting the mountain rescue chopper, but I absolutely relate to that. I didn’t want to accept that I was getting strung out again.

I’ve been going through a career transition, and as often happens, financial uncertainty comes with such a moment. Uncertainty that almost tells the universe “Hey, if you want a free shot, now’s the time”.

If you’ve ever owned a pre-1980 car, you’ll know that the vehicle waits until payday to blow up the alternator. Similarly, our 100-plus-year-old house waited until now to transform our basement into the underground canals of Antwerp.

As the plumber sharply inhaled through his teeth looking at our new subterranean river system and then started describing the size of the digger we would need to redirect the groundwater around our foundations, my brain jumped into self-protection mode and just shut down my ability to understand English.

On top of that, after getting some blood tests done, I got a call from the specialist’s office, bumping my appointment up from a month away to this Thursday without saying why.

As the stresses increased, I didn’t recognise the signs. I got quieter around the house, which worried my wife, Audrey, because she knows somethings up. I, however, just kept ploughing on.

This included pushing my body at the gym, in an effort to gain some respite from the uncomfortable feelings in my body. The last straw was going as hard as I could at mat Pilates. My stepdaugher Georgia is an excellent teacher, and I try to go once a week to balance out the barbells. I don’t care what your 1RM is, mat Pilates is pure brutality.

Pushing forward with no regard for my own health, I was futilely hoping that doubling down on everything would make it all feel better soon. Instead, things just got worse, and then, boom – I got a cold sore. A pet corn flake of my very own, so large that I’ll need to introduce it when I have my next video call, making its home under my right nostril.

I’d been bending the map, not wanting to accept that I am struggling, taking numerous wrong turns, in an attempt to deal with rising levels of stress.

I wasn’t paying attention to my rising anxiety levels and rather than stopping and noticing my brain catastrophising, I allowed those thoughts to get away from me and start to run the show.

There was a time when I had a strict daily regimen that helped me avoid all these things, a practice that included journalling, tracking anxiety levels, and having realistic expectations around what my work schedule and training might look like.

As I got better, I used these structures less and less. It’s all working well, why bother? Like most things, everything was just fine until it wasn’t.

While I wasn’t clinging to a tree on the side of a freezing mountain with a backpack full of warm clothes and gear to make a fire, I was on the way to a perilous mental state. Not only unable to notice I was in trouble, but also not utilising any of the tools that I have to deal with such a situation.

The only move then is to find acceptance and get into action.

So, I marched up to the pharmacy to grab some over-the-counter Famciclovir for the face-herpes. As the only cure for the over-training was rest, I sat myself down to deal with the catastrophising I was experiencing around the suburban submarine base and whatever the doctor had to see me about so quickly.

I find catastrophising a by-product of having a creative job. I make things up for a living. I write books, screenplays, TV scripts, podcasts, live comedy shows, songs – I even draw.

My mental reward system for amplified ideas and unpredictable connections is very trigger-happy, which is good because that’s what I need for work.

Yet my brain can be just as creative with the negative stuff. I have to understand that I can’t have one without the other, so staying on top of the creative catastrophising allows the positively creative side of it to flourish.

That looks like grabbing a pen and paper, and taking whatever it is that I’m catastrophising about (money, for example) and then writing out in detail, the absolute best, best, best-case scenario. The full, over the top, everything goes in our favour, dream version of how things might turn out.

Then I write the absolute, worst-case scenario. The darkest, most grim, most unintended consequence domino effect horror-show scenario, like Dean Koontz and Stephen King were in a pissing contest trying to describe how horrible things are, graphically describing every flow-on effect as ridiculously as I can, as far into the future as I can, going into great detail about how, 25 years from now, there’s no question that something awful will absolutely happen because of this thing now.

The final step is to write the more probable outcome in between the two of those things, in similar detail.

Trying to do this when I’m in an already heightened state is impossible because my brain can refuse to see how things could be any other way, so it’s important to consider this situation with a brain that’s not mine. So, I asked Audrey what she thought was going on. Her take was tangential, yet far more optimistic than any of mine.

This is where things get interesting. There’s something about writing out those three scenarios, by hand – not typed into my phone – but written in my barely-legible, son of two doctors cave scrawling, that makes the working bits of my brain say to the ruminating bits of my brain: “Wait up…hang on fellas, we can see it all written out in front of us. Looks like he finally understands that we’ve been thinking about it over and over and that we can’t stop thinking about it over and over, but it’s clear now that he got the message. Good job amygdala. Pack it up hypothalamus. We’re done here.”

In a few short minutes, without changing my circumstances at all, still with a potentially massive plumbing bill and possibly enormous news coming from the specialist – I feel heaps, heaps better.

So, I’m back on the daily five-star rating to track my anxiety to remind myself that no mental state is a permanent state, and with my full daily routine back in operation, hopefully it will help me from getting lost in the wilderness and refusing to accept it.

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The post Osher Günsberg on why you need a mental map appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

My byline here is Dr Tim Sharp because, not surprisingly, that’s my name. But in my professional life I’m sometimes known as Dr Happy, and as the Chief Happiness Officer of The Happiness Institute, I know a thing or two about happiness!

I started using that name after I made the shift, quite a few years ago now, from the more traditional “clinical psychology” to what became known as “positive psychology”. In short, my career followed the trajectory that psychology more generally was heading in whereby the “old school” focus on fixing distress and disfunction was being replaced by a newer approach based on fostering and developing thriving and flourishing.

As I began to talk less about stress, depression and anxiety, and more about happiness and success, a colleague at the time jokingly called me Dr Happy. But I was quite reluctant to adopt this moniker because (1) I thought it was funny but absurd, (2) I had a good reputation at the time and I thought no one would take me seriously if I changed my name to this, and (3) I wasn’t, personally, someone who was very happy, certainly not all the time!

In fact, the reality was I was a pretty unhappy person, and had been for many years. For most of my adult life, in fact, I’d experienced (and I continue to experience) quite poor mental health, most notably in the form of depression and anxiety. Over the years I’d gone from denying the reality of my misery, to fighting it, trying to fix that which I deemed to be broken within me that I thought was causing it, giving in to the whole meaningless of life and at times, trying to overcome everything by focusing exclusively on creating happiness and positivity as best I could.

At times I’ve thought I’d never ever be happy. At other times I thought I should always only be happy. But finally, more recently, I’ve gained some wisdom and come to realise that life necessarily involves both. Which is how I ended up writing my latest book, Lost & Found: how to wander your way to a better life.

In very simple terms, this book is about how I’ve come to terms with the fact that along with millions of others around the world, my life will always include periods of (sometimes severe) unhappiness; times when I feel lost and confused, messy and even dirty. Trying to fight or deny this quite simply has never and will never work. Why? Because for me especially, and for everyone to some extent, those unpleasant emotions are normal and appropriate, they’re part of who I am.

Trying to deny this just made me feel more lost and less authentic, whereas facing up to them and accepting them allowed me to be me, all of me, and although that’s hard at times it’s also incredibly liberating. As strange as it might sound, letting myself be miserable at times frees me up to be much happier at other times because to be perfectly frank, it’s more real.

Think about it in another way. Imagine never ever feeling stressed or anxious, sad or angry. That would be bizarre, even unhealthy. All emotions are, in their own way, appropriate and potentially even helpful. Fear, for example, protects us from danger and from taking unnecessary risks. Other unpleasant emotions send other important messages.

Ultimately, then, I’ve come to learn that all emotions are part of living an emotionally healthy life. You can’t be happy all the time and you shouldn’t want to be. From those so-called negative emotions can come growth, just as we learn from failure and find excitement on the other side of fear.

In the same way, although we all enjoy the clarity that comes from setting and working towards clear goals, it’s important we don’t lose sight of the unpredictable benefits that can come from spontaneity, from taking a random turn, from allowing ourselves to get lost and from even seeking out, actively, opportunities to do the unknown.

Because it really is when we’re lost, that we can find those glorious glimmers of a golden life we’d never, ever, been able to imagine!

Lost & Found: how to wander your way to a better life by Dr Tim Sharp is out now.

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The post Why you don’t need to be happy all the time to lead a fulfilling life appeared first on Men's Health Magazine Australia.

At just 16 years old, Dunne is already a shot at a medal. He’s ranked 25th in the world and qualified as one of just 16 B-Boys taking to the stage in Paris after winning gold at the 2023 Oceania Breaking Championships, seeing off 37 other competitors. Dunne can pull off power moves and acrobatic manoeuvres with the best of them, but physicality is only part of the challenge. A high level of mental toughness is required for an athlete to succeed at the highest level, which is why the Olympics are adapting prioritising mental health.

For the first time, the Olympic Village will contain an Athlete 365 Mind Zone at Paris 2024, a first-of-its-kind space designed to help athletes relax, recharge and mentally prepare for competitions. In this space, Olympians like Dunne can talk with mental health professionals from the IOC Safe Sport team; jump in a ‘disconnection pod’ for a virtual reality mindfulness experience, or even practise gratitude writing to help focus on the positive influences in their life.

The mind zone will provide Dunne with all the support he needs in Paris, but he has a few tricks up his own sleeve when it comes to dealing with pressure and ensuring he’s in the right headspace. Here, the soon-to-be Olympian chats mentally tackling breaking, the power of meditation and golden dreams.

 

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On mentally tackling breaking: 

“I work with a psychologist; he teaches me how to stay in the present because sometimes we’re too worried about the outcome or we’re too worried about what happened before, and that’s really what gets us nervous or our heart pumping. We’re too focused in other spaces in our head that we’re too carried away. So he’s taught me to just be in the now, just look around and see what’s happening in the now. Control your breathing as well. Just simple things that really matter a lot and it’s really helped me when it comes to dancing because I’m more calm, I’m less nervous, and especially when I’m versing big names, I use a lot of these meditation skills.”

On his favourite meditation technique:  

“Just inhaling for three seconds and then slowly exhaling out for three seconds and just thinking about what I’m doing right now, not worrying about what’s happening in the future or what just happened, just thinking about the now.”

On his Olympic goal:  

“To make podium. I reckon there are a lot of people that don’t reckon a 16-year-old will make podium, but I’m willing to change their minds.”

The Olympic Games Paris 2024 will screen live and free on the 9Network and 9Now.

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