EVERYBODY LOVES AN Eiffel Tower. Excuse me, the Eiffel Tower. Thankfully, this year, the 2024 Paris Olympics have given us myriad reasons to leap from the comfort of our seats at home and shout “oui, oui!”
In the weeks leading up to Olympic Games, the powers that be announced that the dorms in the Olympic Village (much like the dorms back in Tokyo in 2020) had been furnished with “anti-sex beds” made from intricate, origami-like reworking of cardboard, put in place to keep the athletes focused more on the glory, and less on glory holes.
The truth is that the “anti-sex beds” were actually introduced as environmentally-friendly fixtures that can be broken down and recycled after the athletes vacate the dorms, as a part of a wider initiative to make the Games more sustainable. But whatever the reason for them, if there’s anybody who can throw down on a cardboard box, it’s an Olympian. And if you’re anything like me, and you’re more of a visual learner, Olympic diver Tom Daley – this year’s silver medallist in the men’s synchronised 10m platform – was more than happy to take to Instagram to demonstrate just how strong the beds were, and exactly how much movement they can withstand.
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It was also noted that the popular dating/hookup app Grindr would turn off its location services in the Olympic Village. Upon first thought, it seemed to me that it would be terribly inconvenient to not know whether someone was 30 feet or 30 km away if you were looking to faire l’amour, but upon reevaluation, it was actually for the safety of the numerous athletes who may not be out, or may be from countries where it is still illegal to be openly gay. And for that, we must salute them. Great job, Olympics!
But despite – or perhaps in spite of all its precautions – Paris 2024 is turning out to be the horniest Olympic Games I have ever witnessed.
First there was Italy, home of the Oscar-nominated, deeply horny film Call Me By Your Name, and of 23-year-old, 6’6″ Team Italia Olympic swimmer Thomas Ceccon (he’s an Aquarius for those who are keeping up), who won bronze in his 4x100m freestyle relay, and gold in the men’s 100m backstroke event. But it wasn’t his performance that got everyone talking. Sure, some people cared about “performance” at the “Olympics” but for most fans, it was the medal ceremony where he raised his hands in triumph, showing a sliver of his undercarriage, the V-cut that so many men work hard for (and lust after) to the crowd. It was magnificent. It was brilliant. It was tres magnifique.
MANAN VATSYAYANA I Getty Images
Meanwhile, across die stadt, Germany’s Leo Neugebauer the 24 year-old Gemini who is also 6’6″ garnered a silver medal for his 8,748/10,000 points (whatever that means) in the Olympic decathlon, but it should be known, if it were up to me, he would have won gold.
A new bombshell has entered the villa—Germany’s Leo Neugebauer pic.twitter.com/bRdzFQzaci
— Meech (@MediumSizeMeech) August 2, 2024
The USA’s very own Stephen Nedoroscik, the 25 year-old two-time bronze medalist – dubbed “Pommel Horse Guy” by the internet – set the internet ablaze when he took off his glasses and gave one of the most rousing performances of pommeling on a horse I’ve seen since I learned what pommel horse was late last week. I can safely say, I was entertained!
The fanfare didn’t stop there. France’s 21-year-old Anthony Ammirati was looking to qualify for the finals, but sadly had a big disappointment – a huge, girthy disappointment – during the pole vaulting event when he prematurely evacuated during his vault and his, ahem, pole connected with and dislodged the bar, impacting his score, causing him not to advance to the finals. I guess that snake tattoo was foreshadowing.
If @nastypig and @bikeathletics aren’t fighting over sponsoring Anthony Ammirati right now, somebody’s not doing their job. pic.twitter.com/89c4Q5bn47
— Rob Salerno (@robsalerno) August 3, 2024
While his Olympic dream may be over for another four years, the global coverage of Ammirati’s package has led to him being offered a six-figure deal with an adult website. So, you know. Silver linings.
Not to be outdone, the cup runneth over for the amount of thirst over Korea’s Yeji Kim who set a new world record in the women’s 25m pistol. Fortunately for her, but unfortunately for thirsty fans, Kim is married with a family, and if her markswomanship is any sign of things, you do not want to get on her bad side.
Perhaps the most endearing quality about the Olympics being set in the City of Lights during a heatwave is that for as much as the competitors are causing us to swoon and froth at the mouth over their rock hard physiques and good looks, they’re also inspiring us with their athletic prowess and determination. Because what could be more satisfying than watching somebody do the one thing they’re best at?
Speaking of determination, to round things out, we finish as we started, with Tom Daley giving us a look at the sweater he’d been knitting during his downtime at the Games.
Is it hot in here, or is it just wool in a 35-degree Parisian summer?
Via Men’s Health US
Related:
Everything you need to know about the 2024 Paris Olympics
Every Olympic event you won’t want to miss this week, Aug 5-9
